Nerves of Straw

       

In the next series of posts I will be talking about anxiety and how living with it affects me. I do not intend to speak for all of those who have anxiety, or make it a point that this is how ever one who has anxiety feels, or deals with it. This is my personal view and take on it. It may be relatable, as well as common. I have consulted with others close to me that have anxiety as well and their experience with it. If you or others have anxiety you may decide to handle your life differently and as long as it safe that’s great!

When I was six (yes, SIX) I was diagnosed with bipolar and depression (bipolar includes depressive states, but I would have it even if I was not bipolar which is why I label them separately. Also if I am in between states, say manic and normal I will experience brief depression. Confusingly, to me this does not qualify as a depressive state of mind). A few years later I was also informed that I “suffer” from anxiety. I personally prefer to simply say that I have anxiety as oppose to suffer from it. To me suffering is agonizing pain, people that live in hunger ever day suffer, those who have lost loved ones suffer. I am trapped within my mind and ache with shakes. Suffering is more severe to me and is something that you cannot fix by using talking yourself down or taking medicine. However, with anxiety (and other things that people consider suffering) you cannot control it, you do not have a choice, and experience pain.

Living with anxiety to some people sounds like a joke and that “you’re be dramatic”, “get over it, its not a big deal” and other ignorant comments. I do not choose to hyperventilate; I do not like scratching myself, breaking skin, when I am uncomfortable; and I most definitely do not enjoy feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin. The frustrating part of these comments though, is that I (slightly) understand where the person is coming from. It’s easy to think that someone is just overreacting to a situation because they are nervous.

This is not the case, even when I’m sitting at home enjoying the company of my roommate, my mind will decide that it’s just going to be a complete asshole FOR NO REASON, nothing is a reminder or trigger of an upsetting event or anything; I’ll start thinking of something that works me up. I then try to tell myself “you’re enjoying yourself, think about what’s happening in this moment. No, no, no, don’t think about that, seriously lets just go on social media and distract myself. No, mind seriously STOP thinking about this.” * heavy breathing * “It’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal. Really, I’m just over analyzing things, just calm down.” *heavier breathing* and then sets in a panic attack, FOR NO REASON. Because there was nothing to bring this up or relate to whatever thought is causing my panic attack. A frustrating part of this is sometimes it’s not even a thought or anything at all and I will just start having clammy hands, or begin to feel anxious.

Thoughts can get out of control and you just start freaking yourself out, eventually not being able to talk yourself down and you have to give in and just ride it out. That fucking sucks. It’s exhausting to be anxious and have all your energy go to your nerves and trembles.

For example, just yesterday I texted one of my best friends just to see what was up and how she is doing. Between the text and her response this is what happened in my mind: “I wonder how things are going with her job. She’s probably working now and wont respond for awhile yet.” “Oh my glob (Adventure Time anyone?) What if she got in a car accident and died and that’s why she isn’t responding!?” “Holy shit she’s dead. She’s dead, how will I know. Does anyone know yet? Should I call her mom?” “Wait, the hell Mattie, no she’s totally at work right now.” Then I proceeded to imagine her funeral and tearing up, “NO SHE’S PROBABLY AT WORK”, “what is my eulogy going to be, I would have to talk. Would I even be able to say it without crying?” “SHE IS AT FUCKING WORK OR WITH A FRIEND OR DOESN’T HAVE HER PHONE ON HER. STAHP!” “She always has her phone on her, always.” *hands get clammy* “ok, ok, ok, she really is ok, lets just calm it down here.” Then I was fine. Embarrassing enough, this happens more often then I would like to admit. I am a firm believer that NO ONE should be embarrassed about who they are, but hey, I’m only human!