Dear Ann

A letter to an 19th century woman about social media and how we communicate in this day and age.

Dear Ann,

The future is confusing. It’s a weird time here in 2014. To explain how we communicate in today’s world I should first briefly and unscientifically explain what the Internet is. For very layman terms the Internet is like a telegraph, but with pictures, videos (moving pictures), words (text, now a form a quick interactions of words), and drawings. The speed at which information transverses between people is with in milliseconds, less than ONE SECOND and the information transfers from one person to the next. It is incredible. People have handheld devices (like an itty bitty telegraph with a screen) that we call cell phones (a cellular phone, no wires, connection/cords to another device is needed). Between these devices people have applications to quickly share whatever they feel like with one another to communicate whatever they want. For things that people talk about with their friends now compared to what you probably talk about would be considered completely unimportant and miniscule to your world. That’s the beauty of fast communication though. We can communicate easily and quickly enough with one another that we have the luxury of gossip, sharing stupid things, and just blabbing about whatever we want, because we can make the assumption that the important information has already made it to the other person.

There are two applications (apps) on cell phones that use photographs more frequently than others. These apps are called: Snapchat, and Instagram. I won’t fully get into what they are as to not overwhelm or confuse you too much. I will tell you a bit about them though, Snapchat allows the user to take a photo or video of whatever they want (most commonly people take pictures of themselves making an ugly face. Personally, I use it to share hundreds of photos of my dog because she’s awesome). When they send it to their friends they have the option to allow them to view it for a maximum of ten seconds. After the ten seconds have completed, the picture disappears forever! Instagram is different because when you take a photo you then upload it to this app and save it to an online (internet) database that is personalized to you. We call this a profile. A person’s profile is created and managed by the individuals themselves. If one chooses they can have their profile set-up to only allow people of their choosing to be able to see it, or you can have it set for anyone to see it. Most of these people you don’t even know in person and might never even meet in person.

There are many other apps and websites (internet pages) that you can experience that show movies, plays, videos, music, photographs, and many other things. There are MILLIONS of websites. The Internet has an infinite amount of space. It’s something that you need to experience and see to fully understand.

Now, I know you’re wondering if this world is lonely or not.  Remember when I said this world is confusing? Well if the concept of the Internet isn’t already confusing enough, here’s some more information to really rally you. The Internet brings people closer together in the sense of information and maintaining contact with one another, so it’s not lonely in that way. However, you can be alone physically. For instance, when you write a letter to someone you might be alone while you’re writing it and the receiver might be alone while they are reading it, but the letter itself is bringing you two together. Some people have created whole worlds online and only interact with others via Internet communication. For some people this may be a really lonely life. For me, that would be an incredibly lonely life to have. Never physically being with someone or seeing people face-to-face and talking in person. I find it hard to have friends whose voices I’ve never even heard. So I will leave it up to you to decide if this is a lonely world or not.

Some words that may be helpful for you to learn in communicating in this world are:

·      OMG: this stands for “oh my god (or gosh)” and is used as a term of exasperation.

·      Dope: With an older crowd of people (40+, yes people live to be much much older than that now) this means drugs. With a younger person this means cool (cool means interesting, neat; or can be a low temperature).

·      LOL: Laugh out loud. Because people don’t communicate in person, rather through the transferring of words on a screen, they need to let the other person know that they are laughing at what they said. Many people just find whatever they said to be funny and are rarely actually laughing out loud.

Then there are things we call “emojis” these are faces that we create with the use of punctuation (tip: tilt your head to the side while looking at them). Some examples are as follows:

·      :) this is a smiling face.

·      :( this is a sad face.

·      :D is a very happy face (mouth open).

·      :p a face with it’s tongue sticking out.

·      XD extremely happy face. You are smiling so hard that your eyes are shut.

I hope this was helpful. If not just let your imagination run wild!

Best regards,

Mattie K.

Nerves of Straw: Unsocial Media

Throughout these last few blog posts, I have mentioned, time and time again, that one way to deal with my anxiety is to distract myself. What is the quickest, easiest way to distract yourself in 2014? Social Media. I have: Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, E!, Twitter, Spotify, and many more apps  on my phone, that is always by me. Even though using my social media apps makes me less social in my environment, it helps lower my anxiety. I think this is part of why it helps to, I go into the social media world, and leaving the one I’m anxious in behind.

  

“Oh, I’m feeling trapped, I need to focus my attention on something other than this feeling.” * opens Facebook* * scroll, scroll, scroll * “Wow that was neat, I can’t believe how interesting this article that Caitlin shared is.” Boom, anxiety averted. If I’m still anxious, * opens Snapchat * *Snap a picture of my dog (if she’s in Duluth with me) * * send to EVERYONE, because she’s so damn cute* “Oh I got a snap back from Lucas! Oh… (Sarcasm) cute face, I’m going to go barf now (not really…. Well maybe, he’s weird). Still anxious, * opens Instagram * “Cool” * swipe down * “oh how interesting, that cat does look pretty sophisticated in that hat and monocle.” “Oh Kim, but your butt back in your clothes… Oh my glob this place looks like so much fun!” This will go on until I’m done being uneasy or I run into pictures that I have already looked at from the last time I was anxious.

The giant social media world that we have made is great, but dangerous. I can find myself distracting myself for hours longer than I need to. I mean, I follow “Distractify” on Facebook for Pete’s sake! So I do try (not hard) to limit my use of social media, if it improves I’ll let you know.

Other than apps and the infinite possibilities on the Internet, I do like to watch a significant amount of television (sorry Grandma!) and movies. My roommate, Megan, and I don’t have cable so all of my TV viewing is done through Netflix (I have the app for that!) or the site of the show itself (i.e. ABC, AMC, etc.)

Movies can be longer escapes, as oppose to TV shows. Movies initially give you a larger time commitment of anywhere from 1.5-4 hours. Unlike TV shows that usually last about 30-60 minutes (25-45 with no commercials). Though, people are more prone to watching many episodes of a show (Can I get a “Holla” from my fellow bingers!?) rather than multiple movies. Either way, both of these offer a great opportunity to be involved in a different world, to distract yourself for awhile, or maintain a schedule if you watch the shows when they premiere.

You get to leave your world of anxiety to explore the world of: action, comedy, cult classics/new cult films (my favorite genre- Rocky Horror Picture Show, Running With Scissors, The Bird Cage), horror, anime, or whatever your little heart desires. Get into a “reality” show and be entertained by the stupidity that is American entertainment (Jersey Shore for instance)- hey maybe this will even make you feel better about yourself, or maybe a nice mystery to really keep your mind involved. Whatever the choice, it’s nice to just have some time to yourself or with loved ones and just have that on your mind.

For me, the healthiest and most reassuring way to deal with my anxiety is to talk it out with one of my many great friends. I’m fortunate enough to have friends that I can always rely on and call in anytime of need. If I’m having a panic attack I can pick up my phone, call someone and talk it out. I usually talk to my roommate, Megan, Caitlin, Lucas (aka Jasmine Stripper Candy), my longest best friend Ronnei, or my dad. I usually call my dad or Ronnei before anyone else, because they think similarly and in a way that I cannot. All of these people are great at looking at the whole picture, understand where I’m coming from, and help me organize my fears/worries/etc. into a more logical light. I’m more hesitant in talking to people when I’m depressed, the difference being that when I’m depressed I feel like a worthless loser, and “who would want to talk to a fuck up like me?” It is also harder for people to hear what thoughts I may be having, and I don’t like to worry my friends. I know that my thoughts are temporary and nothing will come from them. Though, if I do get too overwhelmed I am able to call and talk it out.

When I just don’t want to talk it out, whether its how I’m feeling, I’m too tired from the problem at hand, or just want to be alone and figure it out for myself, writing everything down helps too! Making “pros and cons” lists, writing down how I feel, and writing out some random scenarios that can come out of my twistedness can be relieving.

No matter what I chose to do the only way ANY of this will help me is if I’m HONEST with myself. The key to pretty much anything is being HONEST. Honest with yourself about how you’re feeling, honest with others, and honest with your mistakes, actions, and sayings. I personally don’t find it hard to be honest or blunt. Sometimes I’m confrontational, but I deal with my problems in the end.  Honesty is everything. 

Nerves of Straw: Drugs, Drugs, Drugs

There are many ways that people decide to deal with anxiety. This may include medication, drugs, alcohol, exercise, talking about it, distracting themselves, or other techniques/tools such as counting their breaths or talking themselves down.  Personally, I do all of this to deal with my anxiety and most of it for my depression, excluding exercise; I’m not about that whole running thing. What I exclude from helping me with my depression are alcohol and drugs. Those two things carry too high of a risk for dependency so I am aware of my state of mind when I participate in such activities.

That being said, I do however use both to put these dang nerves to rest. I have not taken medicine (Zoloft, and Lithium being the most common) to treat bipolar since I was 16. I went through many different types of medications from age six to sixteen. Having a ten-year experience with medications I feel I have a pretty good idea of how my body and mind will react to them. I have found that the common meds that doctors use to treat bipolar and depression are most often “mood stabilizers”. Do you know what that means? Mood stabilizer? It’s simple, it stabilizes your mood, seems pretty good, right? No. Having stable mood, means not having a mood at all. You don’t feel anything. You might know that you’re happy, sad, or excited about something, but you wont feel it. You’re a zombie when it comes to feelings. I made the choice to feel, even if that meant pain and hurt, than to feel nothing. Also, with those medications being so strong and effective to your body a person taking them needs frequent blood tests. To put my feelings about blood tests simply “NO.”

*** Insert picture of blood test here, but not really because I can’t even stick something by my arm without feeling faint because of traumatic experiences with them in the past. So you’ll need to use your imagination. ***

Booze, drugs, rock & roll- sounds good lets do it. Do I use these items to help get those pesky nerves under control sometimes? Yes. Am I ashamed or embarrassed? No. Why? Well, I don’t know you so I don’t give a rat’s…tail what you think. Just kidding, but in all seriousness, I’m not ashamed of my use with these, nor do I find it to be a problem. I remain aware of my actions and I do not rely on substances to cope. I am not dependent on these substances either (recreational use is not addiction, it’s just fun!). I prefer to smoke marijuana to relax and calm down or to avoid an anxiety attack, instead of drinking alcohol. There are a few reasons behind this:

1.     It takes away my anxiety better.

2.     I don’t get out of control.

3.     It’s relaxing and harmless.

4.     Along with relaxing my nerves, it relaxes my muscles (I get tense when anxious and just tense in general).

5.     I think I’m hilarious when I’m high. Megan, roommate, just thinks I’m dumb (but still chuckles so everyone is happy).

Picture: relaxing on my bed, feet up on the wall, zoned out, listening to music.

The list could go on, but this isn’t a blog about legalizing marijuana (legalize it!). When I drink, yes I’m happy and calm, but it is more harmful to my body. I will almost always choose smoking over drinking. I don’t smoke cigarettes though, though I did for a brief bit when I was younger. They made me way too unhealthy and didn’t do much (didn’t make me feel better or anything, you just smoke them... boring) so I just stopped one day and have never felt the need to smoke cigarettes since. Whether it's with one, both, or without these substances, I submerge myself into one of my many playlists and just zone.out. Wow, music powerful. You can just escape into the song, the album, or the genre. As of recent months I have been obsessed with Flume, Lana Del Rey, and Walk the Moon to just “get away” for awhile. If you are interested in trying these wonderful musicians here are a few songs to dip your toes into:

·      Flume:

o   Holdin’ On

o   Sleepless feat. Jeezabell D

o   Insane

o   His remix of “You & Me”

o   Drop the Game

·      Lana Del Rey:

o   Ride

o   Young and Beautiful

o   National Anthem

o   Pretty When You Cry

o   Old Money

·      Walk the Moon:

o   Shiver Shiver

o   Anna Sun

o   Jenny

I do find myself getting lost in some ABBA, Queen, and Miley Cyrus (don’t hate), or some Cher and Green Day. So whatever floats your boat, just take it and float away. 

With drugs, there are more pills than this nation can even handle. The biggest drug dealers are pharmacists. I have been on so many types of medications for bipolar, depression, anxiety it’s not even worth counting them all. At one point I was on so many different medications that I was also taking other medicine to counteract what the others were doing to my body (what sense is made here? None.) So I weaned off a lot of the medicines that I was on, while remaining on some. As stated above, they didn’t allow me to feel, anything. So I went off of all of them completely. Less harsh medicine that I have found help anxiety a lot, are benzodiazepines, a.k.a. benzos, such as Xanax. I have found that these, when taken responsibly (I do not use these recreationally), really help! I do not need to take them daily like the other ones, only when I really need to. If I’m already having a panic attack I can take one, and feel….. normal? What? I feel NORMAL. Praise Yeezus! I still feel and it’s not anxiety, I’m just a normal person, going about my day. Since these can become highly addictive, unlike marijuana (just saying), I try to leave them as a last resort only treatment.

  

As far as exercise goes, I just hate it. Many of my friends like to go for a run, whether that’s just outside or at the gym, when they feel anxious. I have never been a fan of running or going to the gym to do repetitive motions/work out. When I was younger I was involved in many sports instead of being a gym rat. I played hockey on and off until high school. In tenth grade I started playing rugby. This was a great way to get exercise and release some of my anxiety, frustrations and other feelings. Unfortunately after I received my seventh concussion in college, I was no longer allowed to play.

 So aside from a walk here and there I stick to “home remedies” or dance. Hard.  Sometimes, staying put and listening to music isn't always what I want to do, or I might not have the choice to do so. What I love to do instead is go to a club/bar/friends house or even in my own room, then dance off all the extra energy that might have otherwise gone to my anxiety; as long as the music is blaring, we're gucci. Just last week I was at EDM show with a bunch of friends and we danced, hard. I raged so hard I popped a rib out! ...oops. There are no worries when dancing, at least in my world. Look like a fool? Who cares?! I feel great! Screw whoever is judging my superb dance skillz. Dancing, like a total goof, completely throwing any worries on your shoulders to the ground and just letting loose, giving into whatever your body feels like doing is one of the most freeing experiences I have ever had the pleasure of having, over and over again.

Nerves of Straw: Sanctuary.

Anxiety is a daily occurrence for me. I tend to psychoanalyze things, work myself up, and become too engulfed to think reasonably.

For me, panic attacks or just anxiousness in general comes in many different forms. Sometimes it’s hyperventilating, in which I just solely concentrate on breathing to help calm myself down then from there take other steps, like distracting myself (Hey, Facebook its been a minute, anything new?) or the classic put my head between my knees until I feel I can continue my day. There have been a few occasions where I pass out.

There are many other ways that my body reacts to anxiety. Sometimes I get by unnoticed when becoming anxious, other times I need to leave the room or remove myself from the environment that I am currently in; even if the environment has nothing to do with why I’m feeling anxious. My most preferred place to go is my room, but I don’t always have this luxury. My bed is my sanctuary.

There are TONS of blankets and pillows on my bed, my roommate, Megan, even got me a body pillow last Christmas (Champ status!). I also have a little fridge with drinks (non-alcoholic) in them, because drinking something, usually water or Powerade, can help me regroup, get my breathing under control, and has become a nice way to just be doing something for a second. I can turn on my computer to Spotify, or be on my phone and zone out to some music while lying in my bed. Though I don’t do it as frequently as I would like to, my room is also a nice place to escape to, to do some meditating. I don’t find myself meditating that often because I prefer to do it when I am not anxious to better gain the full relaxation and clarity that it brings. Not surprisingly, sitting and thinking isn’t always the best thing for an anxious person to do. But, I have heard from others that they prefer to meditate to calm down. Along with that, yoga has helped a lot (way for the art of breathing and stretching!).

 Often I become very hot and clammy when becoming anxious. Luckily, I live in Minnesota! Here’s a benefit of winter: I can go outside when getting too hot (consequently becoming claustrophobic) I can just step outside! I immediately cool down; again regroup, while also able to leave my current environment for a little bit.  I don’t always need to leave completely, just little breaks away from everyone really seems to help a lot. Sometimes I take a lot of breaks, while other times I just need one.

When I become claustrophobic magic happens. Somehow my clothes magically become three sizes too small, the room I’m in is way fuller yet smaller, and if I am around people their energy become way more intense. What a trick! Abracadabra, stop…. I will pull on my collar; take off any additional clothing (jacket, sweatshirt, etc.), like stated above- go outside, or take some cold water or ice and put it on the back of my neck (this can help with nausea too, if you’re curious).  If I am able, I just retreat to my room and get looser or no clothes for the rest of the day.

If I’m not trying to pull my clothes off, I’m scratching my skin off. This might be the most frequent way that my anxiety comes out, scratching or fidgeting.  I normally start out scratching the tops of my wrists, sometimes it just ends here, if I continue, I move up my arm * scratch scratch* back to my hands, * scratch scratch * to my neck * scratch, pull on collar, scratch * and end up scratching my wrists and arms more. If I’m not scratching, I’m fidgeting. This is annoying for those around me, tapping tables, doing weird movements with my arms (is that a new dance move? No, I’m anxious and there isn’t even music playing), running my hands through my hair, bouncing my knee. All of this repetitive behavior happens rapidly, lasting from a few minutes, to however long it takes me to get so annoyed with myself that I just get up and pace or can move onto something else (here is where a nice sip of water comes into play). If I go to sleep anxious (normally after HOURS of restless tossing and turning), I will wake up with “scratch-cuts” on my legs and ankles. That might sound like it looks kind of gross, but it doesn’t, it just looks like it does when you scratch a mosquito bite too long for the most part.